so the other day my grandma called...the one that I am not close to...my dad's mom. Don't get me wrong, I do indeed love her, but I do not always like her. Long story, but there is love...so we will bypass all the other garbage.
Anyways, I talked to her this last saturday and in the mix of our very random and sporadic topics...she brings up my grandpa Chuck (he has been dead now for 3 yrs...passed away from a very long and heart wrecking battle with cancer). In talking about him, she brought up how she went through his wallet after he passed. She said, "you know annie, he only had 3 pictures in his wallet. A small one of us (the family), one of his mother, and then one of you and him. You were the only one he had a picture of...you two together at your last birthday before he died."
After she said this I felt shocked, awed, and my eyes started to fill with tears. I replied to her, "Grandma, why are you just now telling me this?" She went on to say something, but because I was in shock I didn't even hear what she said. I quickly made up an excuse to get off the phone so I could let go of my emotions.
I got home and just sat in my car and cried. I loved my grandpa very much! In my dad's immediate family he was the only one that I was close with.
Side note...my dad came from a very rough upbringing. Without saying too much, expression of love or saying I love you was not normal in his family. Growing up, my grandpa was very rough on us....I knew he loved me because I was his granddaughter, but it was such a polar opposite relationship of that which I have/had with my other Grandpa.
As, I got older I kinda pulled away from my dad's family...I couldn't take the hurt they caused me...not my grandpa, but then again he never stood up for me...and I got tired of my parents getting upset for me...it just wasn't worth family gatherings with them anymore. After college, I decided that I would start coming around again...slowing entering that world again.
Six years ago, when Grandpa Chuck and Grandma Lou called family dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory down in Tacoma to tell us all the news of Grandpa having cancer...that it was aggressive and he was gonna give it a good fight...I think it clicked in him to be more open with his feelings.
I'll never forget the first intense surgery he had...I went to go see him in the room before surgery and he said to me, "Annie, I am gonna fight this...I wanna see my only granddaughter get married." As much as that was so sweet of him to say and I know he wanted that...I think that will forever haunt me. At least he got to see Josh get married, I guess...and he knew that Hallie was pregnant with Taylor.
Through his long fight with cancer and all the drugs and chemo he was on...it definitely messed with his temperment and personality. It gave it a long hard fight, but in the end...the day we had to go to my grandparents house and get my grandfather ready and carry him down the stairs...getting him all settled in the car for their trip up to Whisler...I knew when he looked out the window...all bundled up...and waving goodbye...that was the last time I saw him alive. My dad, mom, and I all stood there and just cried. 2 days later, we got the call that he was in a coma and they were taking him in an ambulance down to Tacoma General Hospital. When I went to go see him in that state (it was a medically induced coma...he was pretty sedated!) it kinda hurt my heart. We sat with him the whole day and into the night. Holding his hands, trying to make him as comfortable as possible. You could tell he was still feeling the pain.
Awhile ago, I got the nerves to finally ask my dad (he used to be a medic) if when grandpa was squeezing my hand off and on while we were there...if it was truly him doing it...or was he too sedated and just his body reacting...and I he said that it was him...he was sedated, but was definitely aware...and I wanted to believe that cause I would do the 3 squeezes to say I LOVE YOU....and he would give a long solid squeeze back. The next morning we got the call that he has died. When we went to go see him...it was kinda wacky...cause his face looked how it looked in pics back in the day when he was like 18! it was so weird.
Anyways, I write this long blog and put this out there because after 3+ yrs. I am finally dealing with his death...loosing two major people in my life so close...Cupie first (my cornerstone in a lot of ways)...then Grandpa Chuck...well, we all mourn in different ways...and sometimes I just saturate myself in work and other things and don't face the hurt and loss that is right in front of me.
Sooooo cheers to me...dealing with the loss and to getting that pic from my grandma that my grandpa had of he and I in his wallet.
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